A Year Alcohol-Free (... in progress)
3 months into a prolonged trial of alcohol abstinence, I share reflections on the process
Alcohol & me
On the 10th September, after 2 hours of sleep, I groggily roused myself and started thinking about the clean-up mission downstairs.
There was nothing overly remarkable about this situation. I’d hosted a dinner party with some friends the night before and as so often happens over a long evening, many drinks disappeared as the night wore on.
I’d never been a huge drinker, but as much as I’m not enthused to admit, I’ve been a consistent one. Since the age of 18 and barring my more recent experiments with alcohol abstinence, there likely hasn’t been too many weeks that didn’t contain some form of alcohol.
At university and in my early 20s, I not only enjoyed drinking but actually think I likely needed it. I didn’t have the emotional or social tools to navigate building a community, navigating relationships, the stresses of career, health … those things you sometimes don’t think about until you’re plonked into the ‘real world’.
The one area of my personality that could never reconcile my drinking, was the active, nature loving, ‘let’s get lost in the wilderness’ part.
Every time I woke up after a drink (or drinks), a small part of my brain would begin the chatter. Asking questions like:
Did you gain anything new from this experience that justifies the damage alcohol is likely doing to your body?
If your default is drinking … who are you without that?
If you were really focused on training for [insert goal], isn’t this just hindering progress?
Doesn’t this nullify a lot of the focus you put into your diet?
Do you actually have a [romantic] connection with this person or was it the booze?
You have friends who can do without alcohol. Why can’t you?
Then as I progressed through my 20s and developed somewhat of a habit toward self-development or self-exploration, more parts of my brain seemed to join in with this conversation until some days it became cacophonous.
Unsurprisingly considering this mentality, this is far from my first attempt at a sustained period of non-drinking. But this time feels different.
I’ll dive into why below but first, a quick note on the topics of habits and identity based on some recent reading.
Habits & Identity
I have a healthy dose of scepticism when it comes to self-help books, but I’d seen friend and self-improvement aficionado, Connor Swenson, cite a book called Atomic Habits earlier in the year and thought it would likely serve me to check it out.
The author, James Clear, brilliantly elucidates why many of our attempts at forming new habits are likely both poorly planned and executed (if planned at all). He goes on to propose, in simple and actionable terms frameworks for how we can not only form new habits in a sustainable way but also eradicate old and unwanted ones.
One message that has really stuck with me from this whole book though is the entanglement of our habits in our identity and vice versa.
"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.
What James is getting at here is that ultimately our actions shape our habits which shape our identity. But so often we don’t think about the identity we’re looking to build and so our attempts at new habits feel forced or are quickly are cast aside for the comfort of status quo. For me, consciously removing alcohol from my identity, helped build better habits.
Past experiments w/o alcohol
My previous attempts ranged from 1-2 months and came with an overwhelming feeling that I was loosing out on more than I was gaining in the process.
Whether it’s having less fun at social events, feeling less able to unwind after a busy week or having less success in connecting with new people.
As a result, I’d always felt like I was on a countdown timer. Waiting for the current stint to end and the freedom to drink to begin again.
Life always managed to present opportune moments to renew my relationship with alcohol:
Special occasions: ‘well, it seems silly not to have a drink for this occasion’
Celebrations: ‘I did something well, got a new job, had a birthday, saw an old friend’
Stressful days: ‘Work/life/people are mentally taxing. The pub beckons!’
Boredom: ‘well, I haven’t planned anything else this weekend so the pub seems as good a plan as any!’
Those things are all still present in my life, so what else has changed?
What changed and what have I learnt?
Unfortunately alcohol is so normalised in society, that even after countless mind-melting hangovers, we rarely wake up thinking ‘never again!’. Or perhaps we do, but our brains, utterly opted into short-term pleasure cycles, are easily swayed back again.
For me it was a gradual process of acquiring evidence to support the case that alcohol wasn’t working for me.
It also coincided with meeting a critical mass of people who had either gone teetotal or were engaged in their own prolonged experiments with alcohol abstinence. Of all the people I’d met, never did I meet someone who regretted not drinking.
That takes me neatly to learning 1:
Making change when you’re the only one doing it is hard. Seek out people who mirror the change you’re trying to make in yourself. For me, it was spending more time with people who don’t drink (or don’t drink as much) and then being more proactive in inviting friends that do to do activities that don’t pair naturally with alcohol; hikes, swims, sauna, coffee, cycles, breakfast meet-ups.
The second big realisation was that change is easier when your effort isn’t half-hearted. As Mr. Clear writes:
"The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this."
Previously, I think I never really had enough evidence to support my theory that not drinking could not only be as fun, but it could be better! As I built my network of people that didn’t drink, I became more able to see a reality in which I wasn’t someone that drunk. So in this experiment, rather than saying ‘I’m not drinking at the moment’ or ‘I’m going to pass on drinking tonight’; I’ve just been openly telling people, ‘I don’t drink’.
While some people have pointed out to me, ‘well that’s not really true, as 3months ago you did’. I would reply and explain that it feels much easier to draw a hard and unambiguous line in the sand.
Since doing so, my resolve has felt more effortless, there has been much less desire to drink in situations that would have usually easily convinced me otherwise and for the first time, I’ve really felt that life can be enriched in absence of alcohol!
But the process isn’t all wonderful. Potentially my biggest takeaway is that going against the grain like this is going to suck!
In social situations alcohol dissolves boundaries, increases stamina (for some), increases libido, decreases anxiety, increases confidence, dilates time …
And boy are you going to feel the absence of this.
Whether it’s feeling disconnected, lonely, bored, sad, anxious, fidgety, aimless, tense … these feelings are (almost) unavoidable if alcohol has been present in your life since the legal drinking age, which for me is 18. We’re talking 12 years. But instead of trying to avoid those feelings or douse them with another activity or substance, this time I’ve really tried to tune into what these emotions tell me about myself.
More often than not I found it comes back to self-worth; not being interesting enough, fun enough, relaxed enough … the absence of this emotional mediator forces you to reckon with what is, and as such, gives you much more agency over what and how you want to change.
I’m sharing this as I feel really passionately about the alcohol auto-pilot that many of subscribe to. Whilst I hold zero judgements against drinking, I just hope my experience might prompt people to run their own experiments in drinking less or not at all!
If you do, there is strength in community, so please feel free to reach out and share your journey!